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September 19, 2007
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They say a rule was never made that hadn't been broken. In this case whoever "they" are...are right. I've come across a lot of horrid fan fiction in my day, but if there's one thing that really really bothers me, it's a poorly written Severus Snape. Therefore, I have compiled these twenty-five simple rules to aid authors in writing him.

25 Rules for Writing Severus Snape
By Lauren K.

Rule Number One:
Severus Snape is a Potions Master who has been known to have been a spy, as well as exhibit extensive knowledge of the Dark Arts. The fact that I need to state this as a rule makes me die a little inside.

Rule Number Two:
Severus Snape does not refer to students by their first names unless otherwise instructed, and even then it takes effort.

Rule Number Three:
Severus Snape is not interested in anyone's personal life unless it has some bearing upon his own. Any interest shown would be done so begrudgingly.

Rule Number Four:
Severus Snape portrays himself as a snarky, sarcastic bastard who also exhibits intricacies of character as well as layer and depth. He is NOT a one-sided bit of fluff who really just wants to express a repressed need for love in an Oprah-like fashion.

Rule Number Five:
If he can help it, Severus Snape does not use Muggle transport. In other words, he does not willingly use a shuttle or sub-way on a regular basis.

Rule Number Six:
Severus Snape does not have innumerable illegitimate, witty, shining, intelligent (ie. Mary Sue) female children.

Rule Number Seven:
At his leisure, Severus Snape wears wizarding robes. Wizarding Robes. He does not voluntarily wear Muggle clothing.

Rule Number Eight:
Severus Snape does not orchestrate elaborate plots merely to get men, women, or children to sleep with him. He actually has dignity, you know.

Rule Number Nine:
Severus Snape does not talk about sex openly if ever. He especially does not do so with individuals he has no reason for trusting.

Rule Number Ten:
Severus Snape does not hire prostitutes. I really hope I don't have to elaborate upon this.

Rule Number Eleven:
Being a witch or a wizard in the Harry Potter universe does not automatically merit the belief in one or more god or gods. It also certainly does not mean Severus Snape practices Wicca.

Rule Number Twelve:
Severus Snape does not use the internet. (Note: If you ever happen to come across someone on the internet claiming to be Severus Snape, cease communication immediately.)

Rule Number Thirteen:
Severus Snape does not provide special affection in public areas, exceptions to school rules, or pet names for students.

Rule Number Fourteen:
Severus Snape is a very controlled man in speech and in action. This fact is apparent in his thought process as well; he has spent years perfecting this trait. Being such a controlled man, upon the occurrence that Severus Snape may have an erection, he would NOT under any circumstances be bold enough to thrust it upon unsuspecting people. Especially not at random.

Rule Number Fifteen:
Severus Snape would never, I repeat NEVER have sex in the potions closet. Considering how long it takes to organize, the rarity of ingredients, the volatile concoctions stored on the shelves, et cetera, this would NEVER happen. Really, I can't be more explicitly clear.

Rule Number Sixteen:
Severus Snape is not the kind of person who would "throw caution to the wind." Use of such a literary cliche in general is also cause for flogging.

Rule Number Seventeen:
Severus Snape is a Slytherin. Slytherins are cunning and ambitious, not inherently evil. Shall I repeat this one?

Rule Number Eighteen:
It is common knowledge that, being a Slytherin, Severus Snape is surrounded by the color green. As a writer, never under any circumstances describe the shade as "puke green". If a reader comes across this aberration, promptly cease reading the story; assuredly, it is not going to get any better.

Rule Number Nineteen:
Severus Snape is not the happy recipient of a multitude of love letters on a regular basis. And if he were, he would not owl back.

Rule Number Twenty:
Severus Snape does not teach sex-education. Furthermore, he does not give crash courses in "mind-blowing sex" either.

Rule Number Twenty-One:
Severus Snape does not pine for his students like a pre-pubescent school girl.

Rule Number Twenty-Two:
Severus Snape does not rape students. Nor does he stalk them. These authors in particular should seek mental health counseling.

Rule Number Twenty-Three:
Severus Snape was loyal to Dumbledore. Severus Snape was not Dumbledore's bitch. Most importantly, Severus Snape was not providing Dumbledore with sexual favors.

Rule Number Twenty-Four:
Severus Snape was not loyal to Voldemort. Severus Snape was not Voldemort's bitch. Most importantly, Severus Snape was not providing Voldemort with sexual favors.

Rule Number Twenty-Five:
Severus Snape does not teach chemistry at your local American high school or college. Don't make me hurt you.
Because it kills me a little more every time I read a poorly written Snape.

...

Hey, everyone! :) Thanks for all the comments and favorites on this piece! I wrote it for a bit of fun quite a few years ago and I'm happy to see people are still getting a laugh out of it. For those of you who are actually writing fan fiction and use this as a guideline, rock on, my friends. I'm glad you've been able to put this to use. :)
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:iconwegabluesun:
WegaBlueSun Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
And I forgot:

Rule Number Twenty-Nine:

Severus Snape's hair is greasy, not surprisingly soft and glossy. His body is scrawny, thin, possibly scarred. In no way, shape or form is Severus Snape's build lean but muscular, nor does he possess rippling abs. His robes may ripple in a stiff breeze, but nothing else does, certainly not his body. 
Severus Snape is not cute, handsome or beautiful in any way. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but a thin man with greasy hair, a huge nose and yellow, uneven teeth is not handsome. 

Rule Number Thirty:

Sadly, even though he probably would like them to be, Severus Snape's genitals are not
massively, absurdly huge and throbbing at the least touch. Nor can he ejaculate over and over again, in copious amounts, without losing/regaining an erection. No man can.
Sex fan fic writers are urged to actually have sex with an actual man before writing. And a woman, too, on second thought. Use of the phrase "spasming walls" will be punished with death.
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:iconwegabluesun:
WegaBlueSun Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
Rule Number Twenty-Six:

Severus Snape is not gay or bisexual. Nor is he sexually attracted to children and/or his students, former and/or current enemies, fellow teachers, patronuses etc etc etc. 

Rule Number Twenty-Seven:

Severus Snape detests Lily-Evans-wannabes and is likely to poison and/or curse them on first contact.

Rule Number Twenty-Eight:

Severus Snape takes proper spelling and grammar very seriously and will mock offenders
cruelly. In public, with lots of amused witnesses. It hurts more that way. And it's fun. 
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:icono1m:
o1m Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
we have no absolute way of knowing that he doesn't hire prostitutes..... or maybe take the tube to Kent in a t-shirt who knows really? but otherwise i must quite agree.
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:iconthe-ushi-artist:
The-Ushi-Artist Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, you're right- it's sad how many of these are broken. I always get so annoyed when I find a poorly written Snape. On the other hand this was really funny! I loved the way you worded things! It was great!
Reply
:icongreekprincess143:
GreekPrincess143 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
...lol this just made my day
Reply
:icondontpokeme311:
dontpokeme311 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wonderfully put .[link]
Reply
:iconrightonshootingstar:
RightonShootingStar Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012
Pretty sure Ive only broken #7 out of all of those and only because he was out getting food and even then it wasn't a farfetched attire.

I agree with you...some of it just gets too damn disturbing....
Reply
:iconmaximusx3:
maximusx3 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012
I agree with all of these in a canonical sense. Some, though, can be very entertaining to break in crackfic.
Reply
:iconhgieladnaz:
hgieladnaz Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011
thaks 4 the advice i wuz thinking on wrighting a story but was havin writers block cause there were no rules you made things somucheasiar[link]
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:iconichi-no77:
Ichi-no77 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011
Rule Number Twelve:
Severus Snape does not use the internet. (Note: If you ever happen to come across someone on the internet claiming to be Severus Snape, cease communication immediately.)

DAMNIT SO SNAPE ON TWITTER IS A LIE AFTER ALL
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